“I’m a modern man, a man for the millennium. Digital and smoke free. A diversified multi-cultural, post-modern deconstruction that is anatomically and ecologically incorrect. I’ve been uplinked and downloaded, inputted and outsourced, I know the upside of downsizing, I know the downside of upgrading. I’m a high-tech low life. A cutting-edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond!
“I’m new wave, but old school and my inner child is outward bound. I’m a hot-wired, heat-seeking, warm-hearted cool customer, voice activated and biodegradable. I interface with my database, my database is in cyberspace, so I’m interactive, I’m hyperactive and from time to time I’m radioactive.
“Behind the eight ball, ahead of the curve, ridin’ the wave, dodgin’ the bullet and pushin’ the envelope. I’m on point, on task, on message and off drugs. I’ve got no need for coke and speed. I’ve got no urge to binge and purge. I’m in the moment, on the edge, over the top but under the radar. A high-concept, low-profile, medium-range ballistic missionary. A street-wise smart bomb. A top-gun bottom feeder. I wear power ties, I tell power lies, I take power naps and run victory laps. I’m a totally ongoing big-foot, slam-dunk, rainmaker with a pro-active outreach. A raging workaholic. A working rage-a-holic. Out of rehab and in denial!
“I’ve got a personal trainer, a personal shopper, a personal assistant and a personal agenda. You can’t shut me up. You can’t dumb me down because I’m tireless and I’m wireless, I’m an alpha male on beta blockers.
“I’m a nonbeliever and an overachiever, laid back but fashion forward. Up front, down home, low rent, high maintenance. Super sized, long lasting, high definition, fast acting, oven ready and built to last! I’m a hands-on, footloose, knee-jerk head case, prematurely post-traumatic.
“But I’m feeling, I’m caring, I’m healing, I’m sharing — a supportive, bonding, nurturing primary caregiver. My output is down, but my income is up. I read junk mail, I eat junk food, I buy junk bonds and I watch trash sports! I’m gender specific, capital intensive, user friendly and lactose intolerant.
“I bought a microwave at a mini-mall; a mini-van at a megastore. I eat fast food in the slow lane. I’m toll free, bite sized, ready to wear and I come in all sizes. A fully equipped, factory-authorized, hospital-tested, clinically proven, scientifically formulated medical miracle. I’ve been pre-washed, pre-cooked, pre-heated, pre-screened, pre-approved, pre-packaged, post-dated, freeze-dried, double-wrapped, vacuum-packed, and I have an unlimited broadband capacity.
“I’m a rude dude, but I’m the real deal. Lean and mean! Cocked, locked and ready-to-rock. Rough, tough and hard to bluff. I take it slow, I go with the flow, I ride with the tide. I’ve got glide in my stride. Drivin’ and movin’, sailin’ and spinnin’, jivin’ and groovin’, wailin’ and winnin’. I don’t snooze, so I don’t lose. I keep the pedal to the metal and the rubber on the road. I party hearty and lunch time is crunch time. I’m hangin’ in, there ain’t no doubt, and I’m hangin’ tough, over and out!”
Stay Tuned and Stay Smart.
*excerpted and edited version of Modern Man by George Carlin